In 31 days' time I will not be racing, but I will be somewhere in the back of the crowd with all the other people who are 'running' as best they can but struggling because they didn't know what they were getting themselves into, or because they are balancing an egg on a spoon or wearing a novelty costume as part of the challenge they decided to undertake as a fund-raising stunt. But I will be looking very stylish.
1. I will be RED (this happens after five minutes: face, arms, knees/thighs), and there will be fear on all sides of me that I am about to collapse due to said colouring. After an hour this may be true, and I'll have to keep moving for longer than that. It's not my fault that my legs are short and stubby.
2. I will have hair that may or may not be altered for the occasion. I have been trying to grow it, but it may be necessary to revert to a really retro style, circa 2008, baby. That involves a little pink and some awkward bald bits and some black marker. Maybe. We'll see how I feel about it as the date approaches.
3. I will also be wearing a very special shirt for special people on a special team that isn't all the other teams. It's made of that special slippery icky flammable material used for a lot of athletic wear. It arrived this afternoon and, despite being 100% polyester, I am pleased to say that it is in the size I specified.
Behold, for I AM SPORT.
Meanwhile, key information contained in the Official Event Programme: "Text 'toilet' to 80097" in order to be directed to the nearest shitters on the race course. It is recommended that runners "arrive well-hydrated", but are also advised to "be sensible and go to the toilet before leaving home". Should I drink water or not, then? Piss or not piss? And if I take a laxative at 11pm on the evening prior to the race? Then I would be able to cross the finish line with various fluids trickling down my legs. "Gatorade will be available at the finish on Whitehall'", so I suppose I can always re-hydrate if I let it all out while running.